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Am I getting high anymore?
How
can you describe what it feels like to get
high, really high to someone who has never
experienced it. I’m not sure that I
can.
A release of pressure, an increased
sensitivity, a freeing of imagination, an
almost imperceptible bending of consciousness,
a near dreamlike state, a physical feeling
of warmth like being wrapped up in a blanket,
perhaps some of these things, possibly none,
everybody will have their own personal experience.
For me when
I got the high the first time, it was an
adventure a secret
alternative to my everyday existence that
I carried around in a plastic bag in my back
pocket. Those first
few experiments with hash and grass as well
as acid were some
of the most exciting and intense of my life,
and at some point I decided that dope wasn’t
just for parties, and odd afternoons, and
evenings, it was for life. I felt like a
scientist who had just discovered a wonder
drug, a cure for life
with no side effects.
In those mid
to late teenage years I experimented with
other drugs usually
speed and acid but it didn’t take long
for me to realise that dope was going to
give me pretty much all that I needed, somehow
dope seemed safer to me than alcohol and
other drugs.
As I entered
my twenties and then through my thirties,
and beyond I smoked
every day and told myself that smoking dope
made my life more interesting more unpredictable
but in truth I’d forgotten what it
was like to have a straight head. I wasn’t
getting high anymore I was just smoking to
get stoned which is a different thing.
About
fifteen years ago I had to face the fact
that I was very lonely and depressed (although
I didn’t for one moment think that
was because of the amount of dope I was smoking.)
One day I met somebody who exuded a wonderful
calm and happy confidence. I asked him what
his secret was and he told me that he practiced
yoga everyday and that I should try it, so
I went for classes. It was the first physical
exercise I had done since leaving school.
To give it a chance, I made a big effort
not to smoke dope for six hours hours before
my class. As well as the exercises, each
class featured yogic breathing and relaxation
techniques and after a few weeks, I was walking
out of the classes feeling spaced yet balanced
and relaxed, really
high in a way that felt completely different
from my usual dope experience.
I would get
home feeling absolutely fantastic and you
know what was the first
thing I would do? I’d reach for the
cigarette papers and roll myself a fat one,
sometimes I couldn’t even wait to get
home and would have one ready rolled in my
pocket for the walk to the train station.
I rationalized that
I wanted to get even more high.
As soon as I inhaled I noticed
the difference the
natural subtle high began to evaporate to be replaced by the more powerful
physical dope sensations, I felt clumsier,
my mind felt cloudier, but the familiar felt
safe. If nothing else
being stoned was a comfortable feeling that
was familiar to
me.
Now I’m not suggesting
that you go out and find the nearest yoga
class, (although that wouldn’t be such
a bad idea) but I am trying to point out
that if you smoke dope
every day after a little while you have to
smoke to feel normal.
You gradually adjust to your altered state
of awareness until not being stoned feels
profoundly uncomfortable. Where are you at?
Are you getting high anymore? Back
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